Change and Unicorns

It’s time for a change. I love change. It keeps me on my toes, always looking for the next adventure rounding the corner.

I’ve been too structured with this blog. Which is weird, because I don’t like to live by rules myself, but I put so many on this blog. Like, I only posted about travel, because that is what the blog started as. But what about meditation and energy and the Universe? That is a HUGE part of my life. My search for enlightenment. My inner struggles as I try to get closer to the Divine. I want to talk about that too.

And sometimes I just want to talk about unicorns.

So, it’s time for a free for all. This blog is mine. I can do what I want.

And I’ll start with this unicorn…

(source)

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Loving My Fears

I keep thinking about yesterday’s post about fear. And especially point #2, that fear is a normal emotion, and once we accept that emotion as an every day part of our lives, it loses its power. Society has equated fear with weakness, and we are taught to be ashamed of it. To keep it hidden.

I really like the idea of bringing fear into my every day realm, living with it, talking to it, accepting it. What kind of power can it hold over me if it is a welcome emotion, along with love and joy? Fear is not to be feared, because it teaches us about things we need to overcome. It shows points within our souls that need to be addressed. Without fear, how can we grow? Without fear, how can we prove that we are brave?

Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the fortitude to push through despite the fear. Very rarely will fear just “disappear”, giving you a chance to show courage. Most of the time, you have to act even though your heart is pounding and your hands are clammy and you have no idea what the end result will be.

I’ve always hated my fears. I hate them to the point that I confront them head on, grabbing on to them like a madwoman, because I don’t like being afraid of things.

During a meditation session with my spiritual teachers last year, the issue of vulnerability arose. I had a major blockage to being vulnerable that has encapsulated my entire adult existence. Being vulnerable was a debilitating fear of mine; the thought alone paralyzed me and gave my stomach knots for hours. I took baby steps to push through this, but the real test was when I told my “friend” that I was actually head over heels, madly and completely in love with him. Without any inclination that he felt the same way. Jesus – I told someone I was in love with him. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. But I had to do it. I had to tell my truth, and be released from those emotions that were enslaving me.

And now that I’m on this new path of vulnerability, I don’t see what all the fuss was about, or why I was so afraid all those years. I LOVE being vulnerable. It really suits me. And I love it when people are vulnerable with me.

I like the fact that I face my fears instead of run from them, but my initial attitude of hating them, fearing them and the power they hold over me – I don’t like that. So 2012 – you have already proven to be a year of rebirth, and we shall continue this theme. 2012 is the year I love my fears first, then overcome them. I’ll let you know how it goes…

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Four topics about fear — Paulo Coelho’s Blog

My favorite author:

Four topics about fear

by PAULO COELHO on MAY 15, 2012

by Chandresh Bhardwaj

The origin of fear lies in the unknown. Be it the darkness, ghosts, weather calamities or whatever is unknown to the man is feared the most. If you are walking in darkness, you are afraid to go ahead, fearing what will come next. However, as the light appears, the fear tends to settle down. Fear, thus, is just a manifestation of your imagination ruled by cowardliness. When we get certain information on our fears, we get relaxed. However, it’s not going to be possible that we will always get the information on the unknown. Then what can we really do to manage our fears?

1. Accept your fears: There’s no need to fight your fears. The more you fight, the more they will haunt you. If you accept them the way they are, they will bring a shift in your consciousness necessary to move beyond the fear.

2. Fear is normal: There’s nothing to be embarrassed about in being afraid. If you are afraid, then you are. Society has connected fear with the sign of weakness and that is one of the reasons why we hate to accept that we are afraid. When you accept fear as a normal emotion, it doesn’t bother you anymore.

3. Explore the unknown: Every year, make a list of things that you fear the most. Then, do something everyday that gets you closer to the unknown factor residing in your fear. Gradually, you will overcome all your fears one by one.

4. Know the roots: Go into the source of your fear. Some fears are based on past conditioning. Having a good understanding of the roots from where it all started will help in moving toward state of fearlessness.

Moving on, death seems to be the second issue bothering everyone if the world ends. There’s nothing one can do to avoid death. You can avoid the possibility of birth by using pills, protection and so on, but man hasn’t been able to interfere in the business of death. What you can do is accept it with open arms. If the world ends, it ends. It will release all of us from a life where we yearn for things that are useless to show off to the people who don’t matter. When the world ends, it will end for everyone. Why we are giving it so much attention?!

via Four topics about fear — Paulo Coelho’s Blog.

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Which way?

Ah.

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Goodbye John Stamos…and NOLA

Iron & Wine @ Fais Do Do

SUNDAY – DAY THREE

I’m not in my 20’s anymore so I require a lot more recovery time. I think it’s safe to say for every hour of debauchery, I need an hour of rehab. But the good thing about my group of friends is that they can rally for anything, at anytime, and whoever is along is expected to keep up. I like being pushed to be better.

Surprise fave tent Sunday: Fais Do Do. Amazing zydeco, which makes me so happy I jump up and down and dance in dizzying circles almost nonstop. It’s all nonsensical movement, really.  Iron & Wine came on after that, so I was able to chill and bring my pulse down to my normal resting heart rate of 32.

We also saw Cowboy Mouth, who I’ve never seen live before. High five for those guys. The red spoon song? Loved. People were a bit cray at this show. At one point, Eric went up to talk to a guy who was dancing like a maniac, and they got so animated during their discussion/dance off that he accidentally slapped the guy in the face. And he didn’t even care! That’s the spirit.

The Boss was closing that night, and we had some tricks up our sleeves. And by “we” I mean me.  I wanted to avoid the debacle that was Petty the evening before, so I suggested we go around from the back this time, that way we would be on the outskirts and avoid the clusterf*ck in the middle, but still be directly in front of the stage so we could see Bruce’s face on the big screen.

Well, turns out hundreds of other people had this same idea, so I’m not as cutting edge as I thought. UNTIL we discovered a trailer set up in the back that had a perfect ledge for concert viewing. Then, my plan revealed its perfection. You’re welcome, friends. We had a great view of the stage, the screen, and weren’t in all the fuss. And who knew Springsteen put on such a great concert? Was a perfect ending…

After the concert we start the trek back to the hotel for my car. We’re walking along a busy street and an unmarked black SUV pulls up and the man asks if “I can give you ladies a ride somewhere. That’s my store – back there.” And points to a store behind us to validate his point.  The actual owner of a store! I was practically opening his door but the others were hesitant to get into the car with a stranger and wouldn’t let me go with him. I sighed long and loud and kept walking.

We stop off at Ernst Café to grab some dinner before the long drive home.

And this is what their tile floor looks like…

yowzas

I know! But before you start making plans to boycott the place, read more about it here.

And then 2 things happened: this obscure, unassuming little restaurant actually had fantastic NOLA food AND we ate dinner right next to Gary Clark, Jr. and his entourage. Sure did, folks. We all chatted a bit and made some jokes, but they didn’t invite us to be groupies so I consider the entire scenario a fail.

To my ATX crew: until the next time we hold baby alligators…

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Holy John Stamos! Or…How To Hold Baby Alligators (part two)

SATURDAY – DAY TWO

One of the cool things about staying at the Embassy Suites was the free hot breakfast buffet every morning. Score! They also have a free cocktail hour, but we missed that because of the festival. I had some serious reservations about turning down cocktail hour two days in a row, but you do what you gotta do…

First thing’s first: liquor store. After we realized that we can basically walk into the grounds with a keg, we weren’t going to pass up the opp to drink on the cheap. I went in halfsies with Lorelai for a case of Purple Haze and pint of Firefly. Good place to start.

But lo! We get to the bag checking line and some are taking their job way too seriously. Mostly the women. So the girls who couldn’t go through just went around to another line, batted their eyelashes at the dapper young gentlemen, and in we went with our contraband. Thank you, Jazzfest. If one line fails, try another!

we bonded over our mutual distaste for bud light

The gang was excited about Tom Petty closing that night, and I was indifferent. The crowd for Petty was INSANITY. We tried to get a spot early, but people were getting walked on, heads got slammed with cases of beer, toes were crushed, and teeth were gnashed. Not for me of course. I was sitting on top of my unicorn, watching with a smug smile.

But eventually I got bored and bailed for the Seahorse. I wanted a beer, a bathroom, and a seat. Plus, I don’t know Tom Petty’s music well enough to care about his show. <Gasp>

On my way I found $100 in the parking lot! Okay not really. But I did get a seat and an Abita Strawberry, and discovered the amazing Eryn Shewell whose voice drips like butter and makes me want to cry. I could not take my eyes off of her. She did a version of At Last by the lovely Etta James that gave me goose bumps for at least 10 minutes. Increible. Please look her up.

Eryn Shewell…funky way to spell Erin, but we forgive her because her voice…OMG

Eventually the guys come round and we continue with our new tradition of the Jazzfest after party at the Seahorse, before moving uptown for The Maple Leaf – a music venue 2 locals told us cannot be missed.

the maple leaf

It was there we met our new friends Lon and Blaine from Virginia. I did the whole “Blaine? His name is Blaine?!” But he had never seen Pretty in Pink so that was a waste of a good movie quote. I poured one out for John Hughes. In my mouth.

When you skip dinner, oysters on the street are a lovely secondary option. Or visiting Fuddruckers inside Harrah’s at 3am (hanging head in shame)

William – our oyster man!

The Maple Leaf = slow clap. The music was fantastic and the venue is an old New Orleans building that has live music 7 nights a week, and Bruce Springsteen and Bonnie Raitt have been known to just “pop” in for a quick jam session with the local musicians.

baby alligators are everywhere

I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have our eyes peeled for ol’ Stamos, hoping he’d make an appearance in uptown. He was spotted at the Petty concert in the VIP tent, but continues to remain at large.

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Holy John Stamos! Or…How To Do Jazzfest Right (part one)

look at them! how i love…

This was our first time at Jazzfest in New Orleans, and I think we squeezed every bit of life possible out of that weekend. Trips with the ATX crew are usually legendary, but this one proved especially epic. Mostly because of John Stamos. I will marry him, if given the chance.

Anywho, I lapped up this weekend like I do a good Zinfandel. NOLA is a city for music lovers, and oh does she deliver…I was in heaven nearly every. single. moment.

Here’s what we did wrong: We arrived too late on Friday, so we missed all shows except the closers. We also drove. The drive is loooooooong from Houston. Despite our dance offs and Hold Baby Alligator jokes, flying is in order next year.

Here’s what we did right: we made it in time Friday for the Beach Boys and to see close ups of John Stamos on the drums. We also sneaked in whiskey and beer. I literally walked in with 6 cans of beer in my purse, and LeeAnn was holding an open one in her hand. It’s almost as if they wanted us to bring our own alcohol. We stayed in hotels right off of Canal St. (and across from Harrah’s) that made walking everywhere (and gambling) SUPER easy.

FRIDAY – DAY ONE

We caught the first half of the Bon Iver show, then moved on to the Beach Boys. Their stage presence is pretty much comatose, but they still sound pretty damn good so I forgave them. Plus, John Stamos!

The festival ends round 7pm, and there’s this great bar right across from the main entrance called the Seahorse. No cover and great music and beer in true New Orleans style. We ordered countless rounds of Abita Strawberry and danced around in circles as sun sank in the sky. It was a total whim going there, and ended up being one of our favorite venues – the music is fantastic and free!!!!

Seahorses Forever

“Drink Through It” is our motto, so instead of going back to the hotel (remember, we’ve been out ALL DAY LONG, and the festival is freaking hot – bring sunscreen) we hop a cab over to Frenchmen St., the place to hear great tunes in NOLA. Forget Bourbon.

I dragged everyone to my favorite haunt, The Spotted Cat, where we got to hear great, old school brassy jazz and blues all night long for only $5!!! But if someone hands you a shot of Jameson, say no. I almost died. Death by disgust.

whirling and twirling

the only ones who opted out of dinner for the music

The night ended, like a proper night should, at the casino. After a few rounds of craps and roulette, I made my way to the discoteca (shocker) and we were dancing next to John Stamos for a good 30 minutes before one of the girls recognized him. Yes, Uncle Jesse still is that dreamy. It isn’t normal for a man to look that good…

mi esposo

Did you know that in NOLA you can buy Abita and Blue Moon in CANS??!?!?! WTF, Texas? It’s a sad, sad day when Louisiana is progressing faster than us…

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Fat Tuesday at BB’s

My follow up to the last uber dramatic post will come later. Right now, there are more important things to discuss. Like my Fat Tuesday celebration…

Fat Tuesday is one of my favorite holidays. Does it qualify as a holiday? If not, one of my favorite events. Right up there with St. Patty’s Day and Halloween. I think it’s because I love zydeco more than the normal person, and this is the only day I know of, outside of New Orleans, where everyone gathers to love it as well. Samesies! Also, I just look really good in purple and green.

We normally go to Mardi Gras Grill for the celebration, which never disappoints, but this year we did something different (gasp) and headed to BB’s in the Heights. Note to self for next year: get a table reserved. But they have TONS of outdoor patio space and February in Texas is perfect outdoor weather. A crawfish boilin’ truck, Abita Purple Haze, and live zydeco. Bliss…

up close, this is gross

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Just Me and My Soul (pt 1)

2012 arrived with a sigh of relief. 2011 was basically shit for a year and the Universe gave me the middle finger on more occasions than I consider acceptable. It wasn’t ALL bad: I lived in Spain, got more freelance business, and had a kick ass 30th birthday celebration in Austin with people I refuse to live without. But I would say, as a whole, there was a whole lot of painful “learning.”

happiness

me and charlie

When I left for Spain last April, I had high hopes of happy experiences waiting for me abroad, and a supportive boyfriend patiently waiting at home. Call me naïve, ignorant, or ridiculously optimistic (I am all of those things at any given time), but I saw no reason why life should not play out exactly how I expected.

Well when the opposite took place, I felt cheated. How dare the Universe not hand me my fantasies on a unicorn shaped plate! I’m afraid I got a bit petulant and pouted for a bit, before changing tactics and desperately trying to accept my situation, as The Power of Now so adamantly stresses.

Aside from dealing with a miserable living situation, the boyfriend aspect went from bullshit to abysmal. Before I knew it, I was engaged in a battle so emotionally traumatizing and so deep that I couldn’t see the white surrender flag I always carried. The emotional battering that both of us took left nothing but a wasted carcass of a relationship, sagging on the cusp of death. I didn’t love myself enough in that moment to kill it; despite the agony I was enduring.

And the agony was profound and unrelenting. The capacity of despair that a human being is willing to take before saying “enough” is quite unnerving. Even more impressive is how emotions will bring you to an acute point of visceral pain, but never actually destroy you. No, instead you get to linger with the pain, and figure out every day how to be a normal human being on the outside as your insides turn black and decay.

It had been years since I had sunk that low. I had no idea how to cope. I had no support system, nor did I ever have the opportunity to be alone and sort through all that I was experiencing. You know The Scream by Edvard Munch? That was me. Twisted, excruciating turmoil. And silent.

http://www.google.com/imgres?q=the+scream+edvard+munch&um=1&hl=en&safe=off&client=safari&sa=N&rls=en&biw=1276&bih=570&tbm=isch&tbnid=LOxtWGt5TFNnnM:&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream&docid=cSMopPur7TZOGM&imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f4/The_Scream.jpg/220px-The_Scream.jpg&w=220&h=277&ei=WSofT4-9G-bs2AW64eSBDw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=199&vpy=184&dur=525&hovh=221&hovw=176&tx=106&ty=107&sig=113199766689826322668&page=1&tbnh=158&tbnw=133&start=0&ndsp=15&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0

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Galicia – Las Islas Cies Chronicles (6)

We eventually mosey back down to the restaurant for more bevies and to hang with our bartender friends who like to give away beer.

"I can't keep my eyes open," Lana says...

"Here, I'll help you..." - Marina

And then here is where things to start to get blurry~

Continue reading

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