So…that subtle conditioning over the years eventually trickled into my subconscious, settling there and birthing the belief that I should always hide my true self, because no one would ever approve. Plus, if I open my mouth, everyone will know how dumb I am.
This belief wasn’t a source of pain for me. By the time I was an adult, it was just a fact, and I had learned to live with this “truth”. (Please note that I harbor no ill will towards my father. I know that he did the best he could with what he knew, and I am very grateful to both my parents for the positive ways they have contributed to my life.)
But what that meant was that in real life, I lied. That’s the key here – I was a LIAR. I lied about who I was, what I wanted, what I was feeling, what I thought…everything. I was afraid to be me, because me wasn’t good enough. And I continued to hide behind those walls for years, afraid someone would see the real me and show me yet again how I wasn’t worthy. Or worse, how stupid I was.
It was in complete dishonor to my soul, and frankly, exhausting.
Once we uncovered the issue (vulnerability) and the root (events during childhood) we were able to tackle the problem through active meditation.
Kelsie is so gifted in meditation and has developed several techniques that she shared with me over the course of my program.
The first one she guided me through was the LAF:
I love love love the LAF. It’s so simple but POWERFUL. And the complete opposite of everything that I had been doing previously.
Instead of fighting and resisting my fear of being vulnerable, I was told to LOVE it.
No more stuffing it down and pretending like it isn’t there. Let’s bring it out and look at it. Then, let’s love it…
FIRST STEP: LOVE
Here’s why: this fear of vulnerability was my own creation. My own SELF developed this belief, so it was a part of me. And if I’m going to love myself, I have to love ALL of me, not just the good bits. The key is not to resist the fear (or anger, sadness, confusion, jealousy, etc.), because resistance only causes more friction and gives the fear room to grow even bigger. The key is to drown it with love. I repeat: LOVE THE HELL OUT OF THAT FEAR!!!!! Bring it into the Loving that comes from your Soul.
It was a part of me, so I brought it back to me instead of pushing it away.
SECOND STEP: ACCEPT
When Kelsie led me into this meditation, I was told to find that place inside of me where the fear of vulnerability was living. I immediately saw myself as a young girl, when the first false beliefs started grabbing at me. I visualized a current of acceptance flowing from the center of my Soul (third eye) and enveloping this fear. I loved this “child” and filled her completely with my acceptance. I told her that it was okay that she was there, and I acknowledged that she had been there for so long because she was only trying to protect me. Her belief was that if I hide my true self, then no one will ever reject me, which means I’ll never get hurt.
THIRD STEP: FORGIVE
I then forgave myself for having this belief, and living a guarded life for so long. I forgave the fear for being there, I forgave my father, and I forgave any judgments I had against myself because of that fear. I told the fear that it no longer served me to believe in this way, and that I was replacing it with a new belief.
My new belief – “What I have to say has value.” Kelsie and I came up with that belief before I was led into meditation, and that is the phrase that resonated with my Spirit completely. It’s a simple statement – but it encompasses everything for me. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Spirit is simple. Consistently it has been the simple truths that have set me free.
That new belief, knowing and feeling that what I say matters, has completely freed me. I no longer have to hide who I am anymore!!!! It’s such a delicious point of view.
I told the Universe that I wanted to grow. Be vulnerable. Speak my truth. God heard me, and the first step was changing my belief system. The first step is ALWAYS inner work. The second step? Outer action. Oy. You mean now I’m actually going to be tested on the sincerity of my desire?
You know the saying: Go Big or Go Home?
Well my friends, I went big…