My Road

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It has been said that great seeds of creativity and transformation are born from intense emotional upheaval. It’s in the darkest hour that growth is taking place, even if we can’t see it at all. Moving through the sludge of turmoil, all efforts to lift your limbs out of the muck a laborious and impossible process. Every second is the second you vow you will give up. But you don’t. Why? Because those little slivers of light we call hope creep in at the last moment, reminding you that maybe. Just maybe. If you keep on going a little bit longer, something will change.

And so, you find yourself reaching deep within for strength you never knew existed. Much to your surprise, it’s always there – waiting. You continually cry out to the Universe for help. For a sign. For fucking anything.

The change is so subtle it’s hard to pinpoint the shift, but suddenly, you recognize you’re breathing again. You can feel a slight breeze on your face. That swampy bog where you were previously spending all your time tried to swallow you, but it didn’t.

It didn’t. It didn’t. It didn’t.

You don’t know how you managed, but it didn’t.

And now what? You wait. For more hope, more happiness, more expectations. Perspective adjusts itself to fit who you are now. And new ideas spring into mind. New people. New synchronicities. New reasons to be grateful.

Fear is still there. Uncertainty. Loneliness. They hold hands and dance circles around me, laughing in my face. Sometimes I scream at them. I can’t see beyond their blurry and frenzied movements, into what truly good things await me. I panic, thinking this just might be all that there is. But there are also times when I soar so high above them, their hands can’t touch me. Where I am free.

I look back and observe the road I came in on. It wasn’t on the map. I found myself in the middle of a jungle full of my demons, and was forced to navigate my way through. It’s unfair. I didn’t deserve it. But it happened anyway.

Now that I’m on the other side….what? I don’t know. Did I learn something? Yes. Am I stronger? Of course. Am I wiser? Sure. But, what? Now I’m waiting for that “moment”. That changes the course of my life. Honestly, after everything, it has no choice but to come, and quickly. Because everything is new now. Fresh. Bright. Ready.

People. Friends. They are the key. The glue that holds my crumpled life together. Those of you who have held my hand, my heart, my soul these past few months, if I could give you more than my life, I would. When I was nothing, had nothing, no legs on which to stand, no wall to lean against, it was you who held me up. Dried my tears. Soothed my aching heart. Gave me words because I had none. Gratitude pours out of my soul like a flood.

All of my love today goes to you.

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3 Responses to My Road

  1. Mica says:

    This is by far- my favorite post. Your words are so raw and honest. You’re showing how vulnerable you can be, but most importantly, how strong you’ve always been. Love you whore, can’t wait for you to come home.

  2. Marissa says:

    The Erin Parker strength I know and respect. If you ever forget how amazing you are again- I’ll kick your ass.

    With love of course. And fists. Love and fists!

    Can’t wait to see you. And don’t forget that it’s always ok to peek back around the corner you think you’ve turned as it helps you remember how far you are going.

    Love you E-proud of you!

  3. Alyson says:

    wow – Mica put it well – even though there are uncertainties in your future, your strength will carry you through. COME home. i miss you and love you.
    xoxo

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