After 7 weeks on the Loestrin and 4 weeks on Wellbutrin, I throw in the towel. Mathias had a last minute cancellation so I went in and told them it wasn’t working. They switched my birth control again to Minastrin, which is a lower dose, and to Lexapro, another anti-depressant. That was the first week in December. Within 5 days (5 days, y’all!) the crazy train rolled to a stop and I got off. It pulled away, and I just stood on the platform watching it disappear into the horizon. Then I looked around at all the open space around me and exhaled.
I’ve been sleeping a ton. I think my brain is exhausted.
Sweet relief. I see bits of old Erin starting to awaken and poke through. I’ve missed her so! It’s such a light feeling to not be angry and depressed anymore. I’m laughing and giving high fives again.
Physically, the insomnia is back. Son of a bitch. 7:30am bed times are the norm again. But I have suspicions it may be the Lexapro (remember all that SSRI nonsense and my high serotonin levels) and I’m tinkering with some things (read: stopping it) so we’ll see if it changes in a couple of weeks
And just as I was working on accepting the severe nausea that I thought was going to be a lifelong companion, it goes and packs its bags for the winter. It’s almost too good to be true. Could my GI be calming down? I don’t know, but let’s just say this month has been really, really good. Comparatively speaking, of course.
I lost 25lbs this year due to disease, as well as a lot of hair. I’m really hoping it grows back. I’ve gained a bit more weight this month so I don’t look so much like a skeleton anymore.
I also was feeling well enough to take a Kizomba workshop, and it just happened to be the most fun Kizomba workshop I’ve EVER taken! What a great month. For those of you who don’t know, I was introduced to this Afro-Latin rhythm of dreams a year ago and it was love at first sight.
Prepare for sexiness overload:
As a general rule on this blog I tend to not speak too much about the people in my life. Privacy and stuff. But this year has been pretty unique, so I’d like to recognize some key players and shine a bit of love and light in their direction.
My mother: Gosh, I’ve talked about my mom quite a bit, and I still never get tired of singing her praises. Because she’s earned it, she deserves it, and she’s been just so darn lovely through a gruesome year. She has been my partner in crime from the beginning. She drove me to every doctor’s appointment, picked up all my prescriptions, researched all the drugs when I had weird reactions, held me in bed while I cried in her arms, encouraged me without ceasing, never left the hospital after my surgeries, woke me up every 4 hours to take my pain meds so that I wouldn’t suffer, keeps the kitchen stocked with endo-friendly food…bah. I’m just naming all the examples of what she has done for me this year. In truth, I probably won’t remember all the details after some time has gone by. But I will remember that she was the only one I wanted when I was afraid. I will remember how much her hugs comforted me. I will remember how nothing was more important to her than my well-being. I will remember her compassion, her gentleness, and her strength. Most of all I will remember the love that blossomed between us – a sweet and tender love between a mother and daughter – and one that I didn’t recognize could exist until I needed her the most.
Rodrigo: I’ve been hesitant to mention Rodrigo on the blog because I want to keep what is between us sacred, and I have this superstitious belief that if I say something good, something bad will inevitably happen. But I need to convey the amount of goodness in this man. He literally got out of my dreams, and into my car. I had taken dating off the table until this mess was over, but his kindness and ease of spirit slowly worked its magic, and that’s when he proved to me just how strong of a man he actually is. During the Dark Months (as I shall now call them) he faced the brunt of my emotional agony. I made him walk through fire, and he never once accused me of burning him. Even as I write this, I’m still amazed at the patience and gentleness he has had for me during this entire year. It has been a most unconventional start for a relationship, but it’s only made us stronger and closer. I trust him more than I’ve ever trusted any man, and despite all of the turmoil, we’ve managed to cultivate a relationship of sweet playfulness and joy. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy. He is the best man I know.
Marissa: This is definitely not her first rodeo. She gets mentioned a lot, because she’s one of my main people. Up until this year it was all just for funsies, but then I was bored and decided to get endometriosis so she’d really have to step up her game. This girl was at the hospital at 5:30am on a Tuesday, just so she could hug me before surgery. Then she waited the entire 7 hours with my parents and Rodrigo until I was safely out. That was such a meaningful gift. However it’s her thoughtfulness that has been such a sweet surprise. She made countless trips out to my parents house to visit, would scour the web just to find funny links to lift my spirits, and when I started driving and could come see her, would always make sure she had endo-friendly items stocked in her kitchen. I am touched beyond words when she opens her fridge and pulls something out she thought I might like and made sure she checked the sugar content before she bought it. She keeps decaf coffee pods on hand since I can’t have caffeine. She gives her love easily and freely, and I’ve soaked it up like a sponge. The only problem is how damn funny she is, and it was a real problem for weeks after surgery because it was so painful to laugh. My room was a laugh-free zone that she did not abide by very well. But I guess I’ll forgive her. She’s pretty cute, so it’s hard to stay mad.
Melissa – She gave me her laugh pillow and Judith. That could be enough right there, but I’ve got more to say. She organized a “card shower” and got all of our friends on board to send me snail mail cards at staggering times so that I received a get well card every day after surgery. For weeks. It was such a beautiful manifestation of the love that my friends have for me. I was blessed beyond words and saved every single one. I don’t save cards so that’s kind of a big deal. Every time I was afraid and called, her words of comfort were like diamonds in my hand. She would freely give them whenever I asked, and I squeezed onto them so tightly my palms bled. They soothed me and became my light when my world got darker.
Dr. Mangal – Thanks to Captain Kicks Endo’s Ass I am now pain free, and looking at the possibility of having a seriously increased quality of life. That man will never know what a gift he is to me and the world of endo, but I sent him a Christmas card and I don’t send anyone Christmas cards, so maybe that will tell him something. Never have I wanted to pay it forward to someone more than I want to for him. I hope he encounters mountains of blessings in 2015 – he deserves all the richness life can offer.
I’m not going to end 2014 with something like “Here’s to a great 2015!” Cause it’s cliché and after last year I just don’t buy that shit anymore. You know what? 2015 may be terrible. And so what if it is? It doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong – it’s just what’s happening in 2015. So instead of having high expectations for my health, I’m going to practice having no expectations. Now now friends, this is not pessimism talking. Nay, this is acceptance. A horse of a different color. Check out #4 in this fantastic article that talks about 10 ways you could be making your life harder. It probably articulates it better than I can.
Here’s my mantra for 2015: I will be open and will practice acceptance. I’m going with the flow.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all my friends and family who have supported me this year. It’s been one hell of a ride.