Sometimes the Universe hands you a gift when you weren’t even asking for it. Just for funsies. That’s how Monday was for me. High fiving Monday!
Often in my life, there are brief encounters I have with truly gifted people. Such was my experience Monday with a certain young man who found me online.
What started out as normal texting banter quickly spiraled into a beast out of my control. And since I’m learning to ease up on my control issues, I figured instead of manipulating this monster, I’d just have a bit of fun.
After we confirmed our date for Saturday, he told me to dress sexy. Ick. I tried to play it off like a joke, hoping he would bounce back from such an unfortunate faux pax:
Dude: So, Onion Creek on Saturday at 1:30pm?
Me: Love Onion Creek! Sounds good
Dude: Wear something sexy
(uhhhhh…? turn it into a joke, Erin. quick!)
Me: You too
Dude: Always, woman
Guys – a hint: NEVER tell a girl you don’t know to wear something sexy. It creeps us out.
That was Sunday. Monday I texted him to reschedule:
Me: Hey, Saturday isn’t going to work. Can you do early Sunday evening?
Dude: Woman, why are you being difficult? (remember, we’ve never actually met)
Me: You haven’t seen difficult yet
Dude: And feisty! Look, I have the solution that will work for both of us. Instead of using up our treasured weekends, why don’t we use up one of the usual date nights: Mon, Tues or Wed. I do have a life, you know, and I don’t know if you’re going to be weird.
Me: I just laughed out loud because I have no idea if you’re serious. Yeah, I get the whole busy thing. Which is why I’m not free on week nights. Looks like our schedules are off. Oh well, we tried! (throwing in the towel)
Dude: Dead serious, sweetie. (Note: don’t call us “sweetie” either) Ok, we’ll play it by ear but you may just have to meet up with me wherever I am on Sunday during the day. Also, chances are I won’t be on my best behavior so forget about ideal first impressions where I pretend to be someone I’m not. As a matter of fact, if we do get around to eating something it’ll probably be romantic nachos or lovely chicken wings so we can both get messy.
(What? No no no. I retract said towel and go in for more…)
Me: Hmmm…nachos? I’m really a white tablecloth kinda girl.
Dude: Wait, lemme check your profile again
…………………………(pause, while he determines my worth)
Yea, let’s work our way up to nachos. Let’s get a beer somewhere first. (didn’t make the cut. sad.)
Oh, and you have a blog! I missed that. (it’s right there on my profile, buddy) I’ll check it out
……………………………..(pause while he reads my blog)
Want to know an interesting tidbit about me? I used to set Neruda’s poems to music and sing them to American girls when I was in college. (in reference to this post)
Of course, they then wanted to know what I’d said and I butchered the translations. Hahaha I crack myself up.
Me: You have good taste in poets
Dude: This is true
Me: Impressed you know who Neruda is
Dude: Please sweetie, (stop!) I’m from Latin America. Our education is not limited to ‘Merica, fuck yeah!
Dude: Man, I can’t believe you’re so into El Salvador! Wait til you visit my country, Nicaragua. It’s better all around.
Me: I’ve been.
Dude: And nothing about that on your blog? Shame.
Me: I did blog about it, but I went in ’09
Dude: So why are you so busy every week night?
By the way, you look familiar. I hope we’ve never inadvertently exchanged testy words.
Ok, I’m done stalking your blog. I only got to Uncle Jesse and decided that “time”… you have a lot of it. (he nailed me!)
Me: Thank goodness! Now I can drop this whole ‘I’m too busy on the week nights’ charade. It’s exhausting.
Dude: I’m glad we’re communicating here.
Me: Yeah, especially because I don’t get to talk to too many people. It’s nice to chat.
Dude: You’re very mysterious, you know that
Me: My blog is literally a complete exposure of my soul
Dude: Yeah but you actually have to read it to know you. I’m old school. I keep it realz yo. (what does that even mean? what ELSE do you do with blogs?)
Me: Valid point. Maybe I should stop writing altogether. Stop hiding behind my laptop. Actually get real with people. That’s probably why I don’t have a boyfriend.
Dude: You may not have a BF because you refuse to believe/acknowledge/accept that a woman’s responsibility to the world is to perpetuate the human race by making babies
Me: Ah I see. Well I’m 31. I guess it’s time to get started.
Me: So why are you so busy on the weekends and not the week days?
Dude: I have a little something called A LIFE!
Me: Right. Like most people I know.
Dude: Yes but Thurs, Fri and Sat nights are the funnest (not a word) and I therefore dedicate them to my friends and family. No need for any potential awkwardness with people I only know on paper. It sucks to leave my friends because I have to go on a blind date. Or if I invite the chick to come join us she’ll feel intimidated and there’s ALWAYS a chance she’s a freakozoid.
Me: That’s an amateur move inviting a stranger to meet your friends
Dude: That’s why I’ve never done it, miss professional dater (i’m a professional!)
I’m just saying, what are my options? One on one or group thing. And if I’m having fun because my weekends are awesome (6th time he’s said that), why allow for the possibility of ruining it by taking a break from the fun to meet a potential weirdo? Trust me, I’d rather meet potential weirdos on a Mon, Tues, or Wed.
Me: Makes sense. My weekends aren’t very awesome so I guess that’s why I have so much time. I’m usually just watching TV. (was surprised I got away with this, considering my profile specifically states that I don’t own a TV. Advantage, Parker)
Dude: Boring. You should be out with me exchanging crazy travel stories about naked Indians in the forest
Me: Well I have to catch up on my shows! I don’t really like to go out much. (at this point I wanted to name some really awful shows, like Top Model Runway Project which I almost typed, but then remembered it’s called Project Runway. When I realized I’d actually have to Google names of reality tv I gave up and just said “shows”. Not worth the effort.)
And then he went to a meeting and my fun ended.
Do people like him really exist?! What an amazing gift. I want more.
awwwwwwwww Real Housewives!!! Oh man I could have used that as my show. Now it comes to me. Next time ladies…